so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
