Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
