I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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