she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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