Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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