I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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