You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
