I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
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