I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
