My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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