can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
