I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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