I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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