I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
