i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
