I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
