I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
