blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
