Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
