M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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