What did we do last night that was yellow?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
