Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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