hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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