dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
