I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
