Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Drake has all the answers
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
