Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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