M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
