I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
