two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
