Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
