So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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