you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
