At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
