I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
