my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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