My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
