Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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