worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
