look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
