If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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