Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
