When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
