Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
