You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
