She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
