yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize