he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
