You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
