I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
