You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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