Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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