my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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