Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize