I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
