Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm really busy with my period
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