I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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