I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
