you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
