Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
