she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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